Breaking the Code

Recent testosterone installation will be called "Michael"...because...that is his name.

Bye-bye two year simultaneous relationship with two people (that knew about each other, mind you, I'm no hussy, it's an art) and a couple of "stand-ins" for when points were to be proven.

Or is it really bye-bye?  Recent text communications between unsaid ex and I, leave me in a shadow... Not the dark, per se, but in a tricky place.

You know the guy no person on earth wants you to be with? But you can't leave him alone because the thought of it makes you go "Ronnie" and suddenly give such a massive shit (the one Deanna apparently couldn't take) that you don't even recognize yourself?

Well, maybe that guy, the one you hate..is...my "Big".  It's exactly who you are thinking of, but the admittance of "Sapphire King's" name on blogspot is just a little too much to venture...especially because his crazy lawyer-ass will find some way to put this in the pre-nups, and let's face it, I can't be having that.

However, in hopes to push through this phase of disillusioned "changed" man dream (God, I love quotation marks), I will pursue nicer, younger, and equally successful prospects.  I want to like the nice guy, but what if I'm not nice enough to deserve or even tolerate him.  Then what?  Eaten by wild dogs.

Friends

friends I found empty under my bed...behind my desk...and in my closet... :/

intervention can wait till tomorrow...for now, let my birthday black out commence

Things I Want a Friend to Ask on a Match.com Date

recent email of a friend of mine to a socially incompetent acquaintance in dire need of things to ask on a first date:

1.       Do you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle or the end?

2.       What is your favorite part of the body and why?

3.       Why can’t you get a tan on your palms?

4.       What do you like to eat to cheer yourself up?

5.       What kind of puppies do you hate the most?

6.       Pen or pencil?

7.       Do you scream on roller coasters?

8.       Do you like music?

9.       If you were a geometric shape what would you like to be?

10.   Can you imagine making love to me and eating strawberries and grapes?

11.   Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

12.   What’s the difference between having sex and making love?

13.   At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?

14.   Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

15.    If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?

16.   If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?

17.   If a transvestite goes missing, would you put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

I wanted to help too so mine was as follows...

I think some of these will help you weed out the....weeds.

1.) Do you have cats, if so, is it because you were emotionally unfulfilled as a child?

2.) How big is your p"ssy? (ask for specific dimensions)

3.) Did you used to be fat in high school?

4.) If you were a Jonas brother, which one would you be and why?

5.) What are your thoughts on besatiality?

6.) Do you pee with the door open?

7.) Was there any weird part of your body you had to wax before meeting me here.

8.) On a scale of 1 to 10, how tight are my pants.  Be honest.

9.) Conservative or liberal?

10.) Spit or swallow...don't mess this one up.

11.) If you had a sexual encounter with a lunchmeat, would condom-ents be involved.

12.) Do you habitually suffer from yeast infections.

13.) You've got this, right?

Dear Santa,

No, I'll start again.

Dear Oprah,
      I know your "favorite things" list includes cars and trips to Australia, (yawn), but us simpler folk are just as content with presents a little less grandiose.

Like....
VENUS EMBRACE!
             My skepticism of the razor that requires $11.00 replacement blades vaporized after my first set of blades (five mind you) made skin contact.  And if by blades they mean 1000 count Egyptian cotton ribbons that sweet-talked my fur coat into falling out then....they are right on point.

Not sold yet?  Even Khloe Kardashian, goddess that she is, endorses the Embrace

If that doesn't convince you...I don't know


next thing on my wish list...

Season Fricken Four

You'd think watching this cheesy orgy roll around in their martini-soaked Chanel underwear would get old.  But it doesn't.  They're all hot enough to drown out the miserable background music (courtesy of HOT 99.5)  and Chuck Bass could still get. it.
He doesn't even have to ask nicely.

 In fact,  I hope he doesn't ask at all.   BADDUM


Oh hey basket of happy...

this one explains itself...

as I continue to terrorize the male species (until someone smart enough to medically sedate me into monogamy comes along) I would suggest you try this little gift on my doorstep if you have done something that resulted in your dismissal...it will buy you an extra three days...anymore of this flowers nonsense and you will find potpourri on your windshield.

Happy basket also good for Christmas!

Moving on...

um SYKE...were you not even paying attention???  

If that were to happen than this...

would be why...but on that subject

the next item would be like finding a puppy in your stocking

Feminine, yet haunting as all vodka should be adorned.  Did Chelsea Handler dress you?

But if I'm going to be ordering such things I would also like Jesus and Santa to get in cahoots for my next request:

just a full body replacement Jesanta...that's all I'm asking

Last, but certainly not least

I want my wit to be on your wit.

that about sums it up...all those and...

that melt into spring,

these are a few of my favorite things!

11/11 Make a Wish!

Lovely evening at Bistro Bistro with the ladies last night and headed to the puzzling Px tonight with Fatkid Playground.  He totally knows the password.

Much talk about the dc food trucks last night and now I'm on a mission...my food truck of choice?  HOT DOGS.  I will not rest until I can chase down one of those bad boys.

Anyhell, can't show my face in French today because my sister said I smell like...

...

Seven days worth of adderall later,  I'm in much better spirits and almost....almost...feel badly about the last post.  It was immature and disorganized but it's not like it's being published in the Post so I'll save my embarassment.  With Halloween just around the corner and no particular need to go out naked I was thinking this..

But nobody seems to know what I'm talking about so I don't know what to do...oh well, this or Jwoww.

 

There will be blood.

Ever found blood splattered on your wall and confusion coupled with concern was your initial reaction?  This morning I discovered what looked like had been slung, teaspoon of blood on my walls.  I could have been more surprised but the last thing I remembered from the night prior was awarding myself 117 points in a round of Scrabble verse my sister.  After further investigation, I found an extension of the murder scene on the sheets of my bed under my pillows.  Disregarding my findings, I went to my sister's room for breakfast and the morning after wtf happened newsletter.  She wasn't sure either but then I asked her if there was something of a cut or bruise on my throbbing elbow.  There was.  Culprit found.  How it happened you ask?  Between this elbow....and God.