Dear Santa,

No, I'll start again.

Dear Oprah,
      I know your "favorite things" list includes cars and trips to Australia, (yawn), but us simpler folk are just as content with presents a little less grandiose.

Like....
VENUS EMBRACE!
             My skepticism of the razor that requires $11.00 replacement blades vaporized after my first set of blades (five mind you) made skin contact.  And if by blades they mean 1000 count Egyptian cotton ribbons that sweet-talked my fur coat into falling out then....they are right on point.

Not sold yet?  Even Khloe Kardashian, goddess that she is, endorses the Embrace

If that doesn't convince you...I don't know


next thing on my wish list...

Season Fricken Four

You'd think watching this cheesy orgy roll around in their martini-soaked Chanel underwear would get old.  But it doesn't.  They're all hot enough to drown out the miserable background music (courtesy of HOT 99.5)  and Chuck Bass could still get. it.
He doesn't even have to ask nicely.

 In fact,  I hope he doesn't ask at all.   BADDUM


Oh hey basket of happy...

this one explains itself...

as I continue to terrorize the male species (until someone smart enough to medically sedate me into monogamy comes along) I would suggest you try this little gift on my doorstep if you have done something that resulted in your dismissal...it will buy you an extra three days...anymore of this flowers nonsense and you will find potpourri on your windshield.

Happy basket also good for Christmas!

Moving on...

um SYKE...were you not even paying attention???  

If that were to happen than this...

would be why...but on that subject

the next item would be like finding a puppy in your stocking

Feminine, yet haunting as all vodka should be adorned.  Did Chelsea Handler dress you?

But if I'm going to be ordering such things I would also like Jesus and Santa to get in cahoots for my next request:

just a full body replacement Jesanta...that's all I'm asking

Last, but certainly not least

I want my wit to be on your wit.

that about sums it up...all those and...

that melt into spring,

these are a few of my favorite things!

11/11 Make a Wish!

Lovely evening at Bistro Bistro with the ladies last night and headed to the puzzling Px tonight with Fatkid Playground.  He totally knows the password.

Much talk about the dc food trucks last night and now I'm on a mission...my food truck of choice?  HOT DOGS.  I will not rest until I can chase down one of those bad boys.

Anyhell, can't show my face in French today because my sister said I smell like...

...

Seven days worth of adderall later,  I'm in much better spirits and almost....almost...feel badly about the last post.  It was immature and disorganized but it's not like it's being published in the Post so I'll save my embarassment.  With Halloween just around the corner and no particular need to go out naked I was thinking this..

But nobody seems to know what I'm talking about so I don't know what to do...oh well, this or Jwoww.

 

There will be blood.

Ever found blood splattered on your wall and confusion coupled with concern was your initial reaction?  This morning I discovered what looked like had been slung, teaspoon of blood on my walls.  I could have been more surprised but the last thing I remembered from the night prior was awarding myself 117 points in a round of Scrabble verse my sister.  After further investigation, I found an extension of the murder scene on the sheets of my bed under my pillows.  Disregarding my findings, I went to my sister's room for breakfast and the morning after wtf happened newsletter.  She wasn't sure either but then I asked her if there was something of a cut or bruise on my throbbing elbow.  There was.  Culprit found.  How it happened you ask?  Between this elbow....and God.

what?

I support single parenting...but you just messed that kid up.

for

But, did I go to three strip clubs last night? In a row?...yes...yes I did.

fumigaytion

The basement is being assaulted with toxic chemicals and I'm "strangely" okay with it.  I use strangely loosely because I'm pretty sure the poison is absorbing whatevers left of my brain mass and I starts to forgets words.

 Last night, invited old millionaire friend out to buy Carly and I drinks, which he did...too much, kissed him like I was like Rachel Zoe meeting Armani, (that's all you get clowns) then met up with the guy I dicked over, recieved an hour phonecall from the elusive "jamfan" and went on to receive retarded messages from....who will be my next blog star...just wait.  Presently sitting in a fume filled lagoon waiting for my knight in shining armor to fulfill my ultimatum which I'm assuming he won't.  Why are guys so fucking stupid. I'm serious.

dj on the une's & deux's

Current Mood:

      So, rather recently I was amidst a riveting myself vs. the mirror round of Scrabble, (I won!) when I was interrupted with a present.  The night had begun my sister and her...bitch?, slaving away in the kitchen while I was playing strange child in the basement.  Eventually out of sympathy for my Sad-urday night, said parties felt compelled to bring me a piece of what they had been baking.  The rastafarian delicatessen was a most charming side order to my solo board games. Who knew. Anyways, after that I made a pizza and went to sleep.  The end.

Episode 1

    If the Socratic irony in my title is lost on you, please just stop reading now.  A general familiarity of the English language is a prerequisite to any enjoyment you may receive from my pathetic tales so take that into account before you proceed.
    After spending a weekend being "asked" to leave the bar and spending the remainder of my evenings on spider patrol in my father's dungeon, I've begun to feel a bit weird.  Without regular friend/(now ex)boyfriend interaction, I've developed a strange relationship avec the after hours MTV lineup.  With the amount of vampire/werewolf/zombie videos shown, I have ascertained that the producers are a bunch of Satanists.  However, with my limited channel availability in the crypt it's either that or HSN.  Friends of mine can recognize that that would be even more of a terror to me.
    Anyways, I'm giving this a try because Heather Lee makes it look fun and I'll try to incorporate pictures soon.  Don't get excited though, it's not going to be exquisite compilations of chocolate ravioli and old family recipes (which I do enjoy of hers), but if you'd like to see my daily Chipotle burrito in various places and eating stages...I can do that for you.