Poop

When asked what my next post should be about, I was told "poop" because my sister is a foul human being.  A dear friend of mine also shares the same addiction to the topic so, here it is.

Not.  I'm not writing about your fecal obsessions, nasties.

Today, I shall discuss new man candy; I name him Derp.  Derp is great for a variety of reasons but a top selling point is he puts up with the fact that I am disgusting.  All girls are in their own right, and a unique way to see if a man is worth keeping around is being up front about it.  Yeah, I'm not going to get the first impression rose, but there will be no surprises in the future -- all I can go is up!  Since an odd array of men will put up with enough antics, the bar has been raised to behavior typically not acceptable after kindergarten.  This helps weed out the lazies, mama's boys, sensitives, awkwards, etc...need not apply.  If you can handle a 'lady' when she has makeup down her face and is covered in nachos, you deserve that lady.  Apologies to Derp for being jaded into this skewed dimension sans-romance but, oh well,  unless it's a 14-year-old first dating experience, I think the jig is up.  Real men like 'em a little crazy anyway.

Party in Peace

Today, Amy Winehouse passed out...permanently.  This makes me sad.  When you model your life decisions after someone who goes to sleep 60 years too soon you have to re-evaluate and, let's be honest, people modeling their lives after Amy Winehouse have no time for that.  I guess for now I will have to tiptoe around what I thought still bordered on the socially accepted level of someone with a "thirst for adventure".  Lesson learned, Ms. Winehouse, and though it may be a bit taboo, cheers to you.  You rocked.

Social Dissolve

Did I miss the evolution of men with possible down syndrome finding it socially permissible to ask someone, that could bake their future loser spawn, for a drink?  You're....you're kidding, right? You should be providing the liver poison convincing me to tolerate your sloppy advances for an additional 45 seconds -- not asking for presents.  

Are we really about to discover the fossils of chivalry?  Is that how dead it is?  The only person that thinks you are as hot as you think you are is your mom.  Go Oedipus Rex it out because no normal girl wants to deal with your ego.

The hottest guys never know that they're hot....hence the hotness.

New Adventures of Single Me

Guess who joined eHarmony bitches.

This trick did, and to be clear, for writing purposes.

Like my ass, (and I specifically mean my ass), has any trouble seducing the scrubs this useless excuse for a match-making service provides me with.

...but whatever I guess...still an ego humping.

I haven't even provided these "gentlemen" with a picture -- deterring or enticing -- that could asterix me as soul mate material.   What donkeys.  Your prepositioned grope-fests, (because that tends to be the typical ugly date protocol for virgin-ians) will be declined until stunning Dr. Zack (28) from your commercial's materializes in my living room.  Don't see it happening.  Until them, I will continue to collect them like Pokemen.  Gotta catch'em all!

ps. My favorite is Charmandar.

ITE Research

These Boots Are Gonna Walk All Over You

I know it's (I replace he with it because I'm still not sure if "it's" human), has become a re-occuring theme as of late but I just can't seem to wrap my head around the many hats this creature wears.  Does everyone have an ex that smashes their phone to pieces to roundoff a night at a bar and then asks them to move in/pseudo-marry them the next day?  Or is it just myself and a few other disturbed individuals who are intrigued by the mentally dismantled...

Anyways, what's with all the guy emo-tweeting that's happening?  I am so turned-off by your hourly posts of vulnerability--just shut up already.  Thanks for adding to the narcissism epidemic that our generation is already suffering from.  At least my thoughts are in a blog and not clogging up your news feed taking space away from relevant things.  But then I think about it, and it just looks like everyone is so lonely.  All this access to the world and people couldn't feel more left out.  

This little lady graduated from my high school and I think her article reinforces my point pretty well.

http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/facebook-blues/story?id=12861315

That is all.

Ps.  I just checked my blog stats and should I be worried that approximately 30 people on continents that aren't North America have read my blog?  I didn't know I was going to be published internationally.  Score. 

Pps.  To these people, please don't come kill me or something.  I know a tend to be a sassy tart.

Thanks.

Breaking the Code

Recent testosterone installation will be called "Michael"...because...that is his name.

Bye-bye two year simultaneous relationship with two people (that knew about each other, mind you, I'm no hussy, it's an art) and a couple of "stand-ins" for when points were to be proven.

Or is it really bye-bye?  Recent text communications between unsaid ex and I, leave me in a shadow... Not the dark, per se, but in a tricky place.

You know the guy no person on earth wants you to be with? But you can't leave him alone because the thought of it makes you go "Ronnie" and suddenly give such a massive shit (the one Deanna apparently couldn't take) that you don't even recognize yourself?

Well, maybe that guy, the one you hate..is...my "Big".  It's exactly who you are thinking of, but the admittance of "Sapphire King's" name on blogspot is just a little too much to venture...especially because his crazy lawyer-ass will find some way to put this in the pre-nups, and let's face it, I can't be having that.

However, in hopes to push through this phase of disillusioned "changed" man dream (God, I love quotation marks), I will pursue nicer, younger, and equally successful prospects.  I want to like the nice guy, but what if I'm not nice enough to deserve or even tolerate him.  Then what?  Eaten by wild dogs.

Friends

friends I found empty under my bed...behind my desk...and in my closet... :/

intervention can wait till tomorrow...for now, let my birthday black out commence

Things I Want a Friend to Ask on a Match.com Date

recent email of a friend of mine to a socially incompetent acquaintance in dire need of things to ask on a first date:

1.       Do you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle or the end?

2.       What is your favorite part of the body and why?

3.       Why can’t you get a tan on your palms?

4.       What do you like to eat to cheer yourself up?

5.       What kind of puppies do you hate the most?

6.       Pen or pencil?

7.       Do you scream on roller coasters?

8.       Do you like music?

9.       If you were a geometric shape what would you like to be?

10.   Can you imagine making love to me and eating strawberries and grapes?

11.   Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

12.   What’s the difference between having sex and making love?

13.   At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?

14.   Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

15.    If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?

16.   If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?

17.   If a transvestite goes missing, would you put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

I wanted to help too so mine was as follows...

I think some of these will help you weed out the....weeds.

1.) Do you have cats, if so, is it because you were emotionally unfulfilled as a child?

2.) How big is your p"ssy? (ask for specific dimensions)

3.) Did you used to be fat in high school?

4.) If you were a Jonas brother, which one would you be and why?

5.) What are your thoughts on besatiality?

6.) Do you pee with the door open?

7.) Was there any weird part of your body you had to wax before meeting me here.

8.) On a scale of 1 to 10, how tight are my pants.  Be honest.

9.) Conservative or liberal?

10.) Spit or swallow...don't mess this one up.

11.) If you had a sexual encounter with a lunchmeat, would condom-ents be involved.

12.) Do you habitually suffer from yeast infections.

13.) You've got this, right?